I just feel like I need to get my feelings out, and be honest. I went to bad last night with the biggest, reddest, puffiest eyes that I think I have ever had in my entire life. (okay, maybe not. i'm dramatic.) but yesterday was hard. really hard.
I am feeling completely freaked out, all of a sudden at the fact that this baby girl is coming so soon. It literally creeped up on me so fast. With Rowan, I didn't know what to expect, so I just took everything as it came. And in the beginning of this pregnancy, I thought that was one of the easier things, knowing what to expect. But all of a sudden, the last week or so..... the thoughts of knowing what to expect are the exact things that are giving me so much anxiety. The first month or two of Rowan were extremely hard. I was in so much pain, I was sleep-deprived, I was overwhelmed thinking I was doing everything wrong, I was trying to figure out who I was as a mom.. I was just overwhelmed with everything. I literally cried all the time. All of those things have been coming back to me lately. Cause you forget about it, ya know? But now, having been through it, it's hard to think of going through all of it again... especially the pain.
Well, not until yesterday, when Rowan and I had one of the most challenging days with each other that we've ever had, did I know how stressed I was. She was awful yesterday (as she has been the last 3 weeks). And don't get me wrong, she can be an absolute angel. But she has shown us the terrible two side, and it's bad. She spits, she kicks, she hits, she yells, she is SASSY, she won't stay on timeout, she screams at the top of her lungs for almost an hour. And yesterday, it was all of that, plus kicking me in the stomach, that made me lose it. All of a sudden, I was yelling at my baby girl. I was so mad and had enough of two hours of her horrible behavior that she was put in her crib and I walked out and left. After another hour of her screaming at the top of her lungs, I finally lost it, and went into her room bawling my eyes out and told her that she had made momma so sad. She started crying and said "okay.." and laid down and went to sleep. I went into my room and cried for, seriously, the next five hours. I felt awful and frustrated.
How am I supposed to be a mom of two? I had just been so awful and lost all patience with one child. And thinking of how the first couple of months went with Rowan as a newborn, I was so overwhelmed thinking about doing that again, plus dealing with the toddler. As soon as Rowan woke up from her nap, we cried together, in her room and had a little heart-to-heart of how she needed to be a better listener, and how momma needed to be more patient. It was an incredibly hard afternoon, but it taught me a lot about how I need to deal with her, and love her. She's going to be going through so much in the next couple months and I hate to think for one second that her sweet little emotional heart is going to hurt because of this new baby. I KNOW that it will be fine in the long run. But I just worry all the time about how this transition will be for all four of us.
Anyways.. I'm glad that there are good and bad days. The bad days make the good days that much better. And I especially know that Heavenly Father has entrusted this incredible responsibility of being a mother, with me, for a reason. It's such a blessing, and I wouldn't have it any other way. But hopefully I'll find a way to relieve all the stress in the next couple weeks. ;) Dang hormones.
