it was a tough pregnancy.
i went into labor and things happened really fast.
i screamed alot.
my baby came out and is happy and healthy.
all is well.
here's the longer version. told by a dramatic and traumatized mother who will not soon forget how my little radd made his entrance into the world.
me, at 37 weeks.
by 37 weeks, i was freaking out, for many reasons. radd was obviously a surprise and i guess it was a totally different mentality of never feeling ready to have another baby. i just never got to that point. and i guess, after you have a baby and you know what's coming, you're not as anxious to go through all the messiness, the pain, the anxiety, the sleep deprivation. however, this was BY FAR my hardest pregnancy. i was absolutely miserable. at 37 weeks, siatica started. i could barely walk. i could barely get up my stairs without bursting into tears because i was in severe pain. it was sending shooting pains down by legs and in my back, it was just awful. so i was freaking out that this baby was coming in 3 weeks, but also freaking out that i still had 3 weeks left to be pregnant. such emotions!
monday, november 9th, 2015.
my 38 week appointment. i was a little anxious for this one, cause that's when i start getting "checked" to see if anything is happening down there. when i was pregnant with greer, and went to my 38 week appointment, i was devastated when dr. judd told me that nothing was happening, because i had already had a baby by this point (i had rowan at 37 weeks). i didn't want to make myself that miserable again. so i tried to not get my hopes up (but you're always thinking in the back of your mind... what if?).
i went to that appointment by myself. of course my heart kinda sunk when dr. judd said
"nope, nothing."
nothin? really?
"like, zero. the chances of me seeing you at your appointment next week are about 97%, so... see ya then." boo. but really, i wasn't all that surprised. i called jord on the way out of the office and said "ya.... not this week." and he said "why aren't you sad about it?" and i said, "because i'm not that suprised, and i'm okay. i still have stuff to do."
well, according to dr. judd i had at least another week. so i went home and was in no hurry to get anything done. i didn't have a hospital bag packed, i hadn't really washed the baby's new clothes, i hadn't done the intense house-cleaning that i like to do before i bring a new baby home, and in my mind... i still had time to do it. plus, when you're so pregnant, it's hard to motivate yourself to get anything done when you think you have plenty of time to do it.
thursday, november 12th, 2015.
this day was hard. i woke up feeling a little nauseous. the girls had just gotten over a stomach bug and as soon as i started feeling gross i thought "no, please not me too". the day went on and i couldn't eat anything. i really started to feel sick. jord got home from work and i said "please, just take the girls. i cannot even stand anymore i just feel so disgusting." so i laid down on the couch. jord took over dinner and made homemade macaroni and cheese, which i was so disappointed i couldn't eat because that meal was one of my favorites. around 6 or 7, my sister lindsay came over with some pumpkin squares and a diet coke for me just for the heck of it (how sweet was that?). and i specifically remember her spotting me as soon as she came in and saying "oh no! whats wrong?" and i told her i just was so sick. again, i felt so sad i couldn't stomach the treats she brought over- they were my favorites! but literally, the thought of eating anything made me want to heave. blah.
i had bunco that night. i really love bunco- the girls in my ward are so fun, and i look forward to anything that can get me out of the house for a mom break. at about 7, jord said "you can't go to bunco like this!" but at the last minute, i felt bad for bailing- cause they would be off on numbers, and it makes bunco harder to play when you don't have a certain number. (looking back now, it was so stupid of me to go, i absolutely should have stayed home). it was just next door, so i thought i could just go for a little bit and then come back home.
the whole night was miserable. i remember smelling food as soon as i got in the door and it made me feel even worse. i just tried to put on a brave face and get through a few rounds so i could go home. but i didn't fool anyone. they could tell. there was even one friend who was convinced it was a sign of labor. i thought no way!
i made it home at about 10:30 pm and that's where it all began.
i walked in the door and instantly ran into my bathroom upstairs and started throwing up profusely. i've thrown up alot in my life. but this was BAD. i felt like my insides were twisting and tearing and eventually gonna make their way out. it was intense. and it didn't stop for awhile. i literally didn't even have the strength to yell for jord who was SNOOZING in bed (insert eye roll). finally a half hour later, it stopped. i slowly made my way to bed, feeling like i was going to pass out. i laid down and THAT woke up jord. (insert another eye roll). he said "you okay?" and i was like "uh, no!" he told me to try and go to sleep and i would feel better. i laid in bed for awhile and couldn't fall asleep. i went and got a bowl from downstairs in the kitchen, and i'm glad i did, cause i threw up a couple more times.... i hate throwing up, but throwing up when you're 9 months pregnant is awful.
12:30. my first contraction. i remember it like it was yesterday. when you know what real contractions feel like, you can't mistake them for anything else. i was like WHAT! THAT WAS REAL. i was for sure awake and very alert now.
10 or so minutes later, another one. it was like my lower half was burning.
8 minutes later, another one. this continued for about 20 minutes. and they just started getting really hard, and closer together.
by now i'm thinking no way, this is it! but i'm also thinking that it's gonna be awhile, so i decided to not wake up jord. instead, i started timing them on my phone.
after timing them for awhile, i knew i was in full blown labor. this wasn't false. i knew this was it. at about 2:30, i woke up jord. i said "babe, i've been having contractions for a couple hours now, and this is real." and for anyone who knows jord- he gets excited about these kind of things. he got the biggest smile on his face and said "really?" i said "really." he sat up and started timing them as well.
sometimes they wouldn't come for about 10 minutes, and sometimes they'd be a minute apart. but given the intensity, there was no mistaking it.
at about 3:30 i couldn't lay still anymore, they were getting so horrendous. i got up and went over to the rocking chair in the corner of the room. jord turned on all the lights and said "okay, so what?" i knew that we were gonna have a baby. i knew this was it. BUT... in the back of my mind, dr. judd had just told me a couple days ago that i was at a ZERO, and not effaced at all. (and of course, i know you can go from 0-10 in such a short amount of time). but still, my water hadn't broke and i know a baby doesn't come without your water breaking, so in my mind, i had a ways to go, and i still had time. i got my bowl and threw up again.
4:00 am. i couldn't do it anymore. i felt like my body was in an absolutely frenzy. between the throwing up and intense contractions, i was exhausted, and in so much pain. i was also incredibly dehydrated. i hadn't eaten or drank anything since that morning, i just couldn't do it on my own anymore. i told jord "let's go, please". and i threw up again.
jord immediately texted my sister lindsay, who was just a few minutes away. lindsay was also pregnant and thanks to her insomnia, she immediately called back and said "is this it?" jord said "yep!" and she said "i'll be right there." jord hung up and started THROWING everything in a bag. remember i was not prepared for this? instant regret. i wish i could have helped him, but i had my head in a bowl again. i really wish i could put into words what this was like. not being able to breathe through my contractions at this point, but also throwing up. and i'm pretty sure i was sobbing. i have never wanted to just escape myself and be done, like i did at this point. my sister is an absolute angel. i felt like 45 seconds later, she was there, upstairs in my room trying to help jord throw things together. she rubbed my back for a minute and tried to comfort before before i threw up again. i could have been humiliated that i had no clothes on, but really, at this point.. who freaking cares. i threw up one last time and jord said "LETS GO!" and i remember lindsay being so supportive and sweet and caring in those moments. it was so nice to have her there, someone who's done it before, and just knows. and i will be forever grateful to her for getting there so fast...... cause little did i know, that was crucial. and those minutes were precious. i remember leaning up against the car trying to make it through another contraction, unable to think or breathe. and then all of a sudden i was in the car, and we were gone in a flash.
4:20 (ish) am. we are flyyyyyyying down the freeway. i think we were going 95. i remember those contractions were bad and SO HARD. and i remember sobbing to jord saying "i can't do this. i seriously can't do this. i physically do not have the energy to give birth to a baby right now". and not that you ever do. but really, i was physically and mentally exhausted. i was so sick. like SOO sick. i hadn't had anything to eat or drink (i didn't even know what i was still throwing up?) and i was tired, and in so much pain. jord was super supportive and tried to coach me through those contractions. but really- i was in a different world at this point.
4:45 am. we arrive at orem community hospital. i stood up to get out of the car and had another horrific contraction. jord was trying to get me to walk into the hospital and i couldn't move. we were parked pretty close to the front, and the nurses at the front desk could see what was going on and were there helping me into a wheelchair the second we walked through the doors. they said "dad, you check in, and we'll take her back to the room." i remember jord saying "okay, what time is it?" someone yelled back as we were wheeling down the hall, "4:47".
the whole night leading to this point, and what was about to happen, is such a strange sensation. i was somewhere in between being fully present and remembering every detail, and also being in another world. it doesn't really make sense? but somehow, i was experiencing both.
and this is where the party starts......... the "TMI" stuff.
the nurses wheeled me into the room, and one of them said "hurry and take your pants off so we can check you." and i laugh thinking about it because i literally am one of the most private people in the world. ask my husband. but not for one second, during the labor/birth process do you think about those kinds of things. i somehow, with their help, got myself undressed. i'm crying still from the pain, and exhaustion, and that just elevated with her checking me. that was painful. i remember thinking please just tell me i'm at least a 5 so you'll keep me!
there were a few people in the room, and everyone was still and quiet, just waiting for what the nurse would say."oh gosh, you're at a 10. you're there." and then, just like that, everyone was moving.
i wish someone could have been there to record that moment. cause i can't even imagine the look on my face when she said that. a 10? do you know what that means? my baby is coming. no, my baby is basically here. and don't mistake that for excitement. i was in shear panic. i had no epidural. i was not prepared for this scenario.
jord: "SHE'S AT A 10? SHE'S READY?"
me: through my tears and shock, "does this mean i can't have an epidural?"
nurse: "um, the anesthesiologist that is on-call is at least a half hour away. and i don't think this baby is going to wait that long."
i think i kind of lost at this point. i needed that epidural. not only because i hadn't prepared myself for any other way to give birth, i am not a pioneer! i have nothing to prove to anyone. but also because my body was already done. i honestly needed that epidural to do this. and then i heard the nurses having a conversation about there being no doctor present at the hospital. the on-call doctor was also a half hour away.
if there was ever a time to throw-in-the-towel, stick-a-fork-in-it-i'm-done. i'm pretty sure this was it. but guess what? you don't have that option when your baby is coming.
panic. absolute panic.
again, the next 10 minutes were somewhere between an absolute blur, and also the longest 10 minutes of my entire life.
i remember someone trying to get my blood pressure cuff on. i remember holding on for dear life to the posts on the bed through my contractions. i remember jord trying to stroke my forearm and me begging him to stop touching me. i remember trying to cover up my sobs + moans at this point. and i remember everybody moving throughout the room like blurs coming in and out of the door.
and then all-of-a-sudden, my body just started pushing. no one told me to start pushing, but my body just took over and did it on it's own. but why? my water hadn't broke yet. and i know a baby can't come out without water breaking. but i was pushing.
i had never.....ever..... in my entire life experienced pain like this. pushing a baby that was still fully intact in a sac of water (i know i'm missing medical terms here, but you get the point) was a pain that cannot be put into words. i honestly, in that moment, thought that bones were breaking. but i couldn't stop the pushes. my body was trying to get him out, but a baby isn't coming out that is still in water. i heard pieces of conversation from the nurses that my water still hadn't broke. and i think i was gathering that they were not allowed to break it. i guess only a doctor is allowed to do that. but again, i was not really present at this point. my pain had taken me somewhere else, a different mentality, a different world. who knows? but i was not with it. and another sensation i was experiencing at this point that is so hard to forget... my eye sockets were throbbing. i had no control and the pain was so intense that my eyes were popping out of my head and making my eye sockets hurt. (so weird!)
i was screaming out loud at this point. boy, was i screaming. i wanted this to stop. please make it stop! i lost all control of myself. i couldn't muffle the screams anymore, i was actually screaming. (man i wish there was a video!) jord said i was really loud. loud enough, that he saw a nurse go and close the door, ha ha! and then i was screaming "GET HIM OUT!" and then the nurses were screaming back at me "BREATHE PAIGE! BREATHE!" and that's when i kind of wanted to punch someone in the face. but the pain....... so much pain.
and then all of a sudden after those loooooooooong and horrific moments, like old faithful, BURSTING out came a fountain of water, hitting the nurse, me, the floor and everyone within 4 feet. it was like punching a massive water balloon, it literally just burst everywhere. and the nurse said "there's his head". the nurses yelled at me (cause remember, i'm hardly present at this point still and obviously i wasn't doing what i was supposed to be doing) to keep pushing. i've heard people call this "the ring of fire" um, ya. that's putting it mildly. the respiratory therapist said his head was stuck and that i couldn't stop pushing. so i think i gave it one last go.
and at 5:04 am. 17 minutes after arriving to the hospital, our little radd was born. no anesthesiologist and no doctor present. only a couple nurses, an excited dad, and a traumatized mom... and now, a brand new baby boy fresh from heaven.
i think some of my first words were "why do people choose to do that" and "i'm so humiliated that i acted like that" ha ha!
i wish i could say that was the end of the trauma.. and that they laid my sweet baby on me and we cried together. (cause that's how my other two birth stories went). but that's not how it went.
i was relieved that he was out. believe me, it was pure relief. but i had torn, and without an epidural, that pain was still has present as ever. and now that he was out, they still wanted to get an IV in for meds and stuff. so as fast as he came out, they whisked him away and went to work on me. the nurse practitioner had made it at this point. jord kissed my forehead and said how amazing i was and then went over to be with radd.
and then the pain continued. they tried to give me a local anesthetic ( is that even the right word?) to numb me before stitching.. but it was on my left side. and if you remember from my previous two births, my left side has a hard time getting numb. so..... the shot was painful. and it didn't work. so getting stitched up down there without anything to help with pain, and also having JUST given birth, was incredibly horrifying. i was crying outloud, again. i was gripping the posts on the bed again. and while they were stitching me up (i was so mad at this point because i don't feel like the nurse practitioner even cared how much pain i was in. she wasn't even trying to be careful!), someone was trying to insert an IV in and was failing miserably. because i had been so sick and was dehydrated, they couldn't get it in. my arms kept blowing up. and man, that hurt! only on the FOURTH try, it worked. all of that was just another 30 minutes of such pain and misery.
proof: (taken a week later)
i heard radd crying and asked how he was, and they said he was great. 7 lbs 12 oz and 20 inches long. and the sweetest little cry i ever did hear.
and unlike my other two births, i didn't care to hold him right away. and it sounds so sad to me now, but in the moment, it just wasn't what i wanted. maybe i was in a state of shock still? maybe still trying to calm myself down from all the terror. and also, i was covered, literally covered in all the amniotic fluid that had burst everywhere (that was mixed with blood, yuck) i was just a mess. i wasn't in a place physically or mentally that i wanted to sit and enjoy my baby. so i got up and went to the bathroom to try and clean myself up. which, might i say, was one of the only positive things about not having an epidural.. i didn't have to be humiliated by getting dragged to the bathroom by the nurses and get hosed off by them. i did it all by myself. they also had to change all the sheets on the bed (yuck, such a mess!)
THEN. after alllllllllll of that, about an hour after he came out, and after taking some hard core medication, i sat on the bed and finally got to hold my baby. it was so good to hold him. but if i'm being honest, it wasn't a flood-of-emotions nor an amazingly-spiritual moment like it had been with my other two girls. i obviously loved him so much, and was so grateful he was here. but again, i think mine was the combination of not being fully present in that moment thanks to being in a state of shock of how that all happened, and i had to give myself some time to come back to planet earth and find myself again (with the help of drugs of course). it just wasn't until the next day though, when i had a few quiet hours with just him and me where the flood of emotions and the "this is my baby, this is my son!" came. i got there, don't worry. it just took a little while.
it still is so amazing to hold your baby for the first time, regardless of the circumstances.
not the most beautiful picture, ha ha! but again, the phone snaps were the
best it got for these ill-prepared parents.
so ya, that's radd's birth story.
see! i told you it was nothing short of dramatic ;)
when you ask jord his version of the whole thing: watch the exorcist.
when we were re-telling the story to friends and family, all of them would say "wow paige, you're amazing!" "you're my hero" and it made me feel awful. what happened in the delivery room (the nurses and jord could attest to this) was so far from being a hero. i was absolutely amazed at how my body took over, but man... the screaming and panic was a far cry from being a hero.
i've heard birth stories where women choose to go unmedicated and it's amazing to hear them say how empowering it is. that just simply wasn't my story at all. i was completely ill prepared for it. (which should probably be a lesson to everyone, sometime it just doesn't go as planned). i had no idea how to breathe through those horrific contractions. trying to push him out when my water hadn't broke yet was traumatic and extremely painful and being so sick just didn't help the situation at all. and i was also so traumatized by the whole thing that i just didn't feel the whole spiritual- straight from heaven- part of it (until the next day). and that was hard as well.
long story short. i probably will prepare myself better next time for all scenarios. i will also not pretend like i'm brave and leave for the hospital MUCH earlier than i did last time. an epidural is necessary at all costs for me.
BUT.... he's here. he's healthy. and he's safe. which almost erases the whole, painful story (almost). because that is the most important part. he is the sweetest baby and straight from heaven. i can't get enough of his jet-black hair and his perfect newborn smell. a SON! we have a SON!
since this is becoming the longest post in history..... i'll save the best and most precious pics for part 2.
